I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
