Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
