There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
