i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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