too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
