how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
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