My friends, they love my intelligence
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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