Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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