Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
