covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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