tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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