Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
