I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
