My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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