I didn't shave. On purpose
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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