We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
