i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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