Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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