Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
