please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Randomize
