yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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