You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Randomize
