I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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