dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
