That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
