i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
