Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
