I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
