So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
