i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
