Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
