Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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