I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
