He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
