so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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