After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
