Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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