She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
