there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
