$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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