Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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