You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
