Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
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