he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
