i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
