I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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