there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
