3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
