Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
