why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
did i just pee glitter
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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